Clean Free Jokes - I Need FUNNY JOKES! Clean or not

I Need FUNNY JOKES! Clean or not - Do you know any?

Feel free to go mad...

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Lawyer Joke 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" i hope it tickles you!
what did dodi say to his driver the night before the crash? do you want to come to paris with me and di?
you are just like a bowling ball, you get fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then you come back for some more.
did you hear about the 2 gay ghosts? they kept putting the willies up each other!
This is a bit sick and it is not my joke ( it's my friends) - I am much more mature and sophisticated than this!! But I still found it funny... What did the leper say to the prostitue? You can keep the tip!! Disgusting but rather funny...
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmRWciRQps.QQHM0NLPFbLSxBwx.?qid=20070615031453AACPdBS
Bill goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bill's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bill finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bill to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bill says, "OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bill says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bill replies, "Yeah, OK." Bill pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bill to point it for him, and Bill points for him. Bill then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bill, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bill says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month
An Irish women got chucked off who wants to be a millionaire, she got the wrong idea about fastest finger first! 2 men in a airport bump into each other, 1st man sys "cant c my wife?" 2nd man replies "cant find mine either, wot does yours look like"? 1st man replies "shes 5"10' blonde,big t*ts, wearing a mini kirt and stockings high heels and a boob tube, wots yous look like"? 2nd man replies fu*k her, we'll look for yours"!! Got a new job with the Samaritins last week, tried to phone in sick this morning, but the bast**ds talked me out of it...
1)There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' 2)Husband calls home and the maid answers the phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs with herboyfriend." So, he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and shoot them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok.", 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
A bloke walks up to a bird in a night club and says. “Hi! My names Bond”. She says. “Don’t tell me, its James?” He said. “No its Uni, I’m here to fill yer crack.”
where can you find a girl who does everything for u. shag ya day and night,clean, cook and licks ur ass and balls. IN ur dreams
Jewish boy asks his father for 50p,to which he replied 40p what do you need 30p for.
So a leper walks into a bar and as he gets his beer, a finger falls off. The bartender who is serving him turns and pukes all over the place. The leper, feeling bad, says, "Was it my finger falling off?" The bartender turns to him and says, "No, it's the guy dipping chips into your back."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple o f minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners" "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand?
A dirty joke Do you want to hear a clean joke? Bobby went outside to play. Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Bobby fell in the mud. Do you want to hear a clean joke? Bobby got in the tub with bubbles. Do you want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
None of these jokes are dirty but they are fairly long hope you enjoy!!!!!!!!!! Garden of Eden Story: Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Two Nuts: Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails and started to fill their pants and shirt pockets. When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and divide up the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process two of the nuts rolled down near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide up the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." As they were dividing the nuts, another boy walking by the cemetery happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to his house. "Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!!!" "What's the matter," the father asked? "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!!!" The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road, and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son, "what's wrong?" The son said, "do you hear that (he whispered)?" They both listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you." The boy then blurted out to his father, "The devil and the God are dividing the souls!!!" The father grinned but was silent. A few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts, one Scout said to the other . . ." As soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Parrot: A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Last in Line: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again." So, the next time you are last in line.......smile! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... CHECKING THE MAILBOX: A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... THREE SISTERS: Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE: A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Mother-in-law in Jerusalem: George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price." "No, it's not! that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... GROCERY STORE: My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Sniffer the Labrador: A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and doo doos all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... RUDE HUSBAND: A man was driving his car with his wife when he was suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "Good evening sir, you were going 60 in a 50 Km zone." The guy says, "No, I wasn't." The wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear you were." The man says, "Why don't you hush up?" Then the cop says, "You also didn't have your seat belt on sir." Naturally the guy says, "Sure I had it on." Again the woman says, "No honey you didn't." The man turns around and says to the woman, "I told you to keep quite." Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?" The woman says, "Yes." "Is he always this mean and rude to you?" The woman says, "No officer, he's normally very nice; except when he is DRUNK." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... Porsche: A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!! He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money. So I did." Are women good or what?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~... DIVORCE?: An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?" The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...