Clean Free Jokes

What are good funny jokes for the bar?

I am not funny and I am like the only one who tells lame jokes if I have to tell a joke! Im not good at it so what would be some funny jokes where I am funny?! I feel so awkward when all my friends at the bar tell jokes and I am the only one just sitting there laughing and feel like a loser because I am not funny and I dont want to tell a joke and sound stupid! Any advice? Is it better to sit there quiet and just laugh and be yourself? Alot of jokes I dont get.

Public Comments

1. be yourself...... all loves you when you r you.....
2. Humor is about incongruity...but heres a joke that always makes me laugh.... A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
3. make sure you only tell jokes you get. And if you tend to screw up the punch lines a lot, then it may be better to just sit and laugh.
4. Just hang out here in the jokes and riddles section as often as you can. You will get the feel of what types of jokes you like and what ones are popular.Some will be funny enough to stick in your mind for a few days, practice them first if you are nervous, but you will get better at it the more people laugh.
5. You don't have to tell jokes -- and laugh only at the ones you do understand just in case someone else asks you to explain it. The jokes you don't understand, just smile. Here is a cute "bar joke" (literally): One slow night, a man walks into a bar with a paper bag in his hand. He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer and then proceeds to open the brown bag. As he opens it, a tiny man about a foot tall walks out pulling a baby grand piano on wheels that is proportionate to his size. The little man starts playing his piano and the music coming forth is exquisite. Meanwhile, the bartender is completely flabbergasted at what he is seeing and asks the life-sized man at the bar where the heck this little man came from?! "Well," the man replied, "I found an old oil lamp lying on the street just short of an hour ago and when I went to clean off the dust by rubbing the lamp, poof! out came a genie who offered me just ONE wish as a way of expressing his gratitude for releasing him from the lamp. He said to choose wisely and of course could not ask for more wishes, although I would be allowed to give one person I knew the gift of one wish also," The bartender was amazed at the man's story but believed him. "Who are you going to give the other question to?" he asked the man. "If you remember" the man answered, "I only have an hour to give it away and I have tried to reach my wife, my son, my best friend and they all must be out since I cannot reach anyone." The bartender, knowing an opportunity when he saw one asked the man then if he might be the recipient since time was running out and it would be a shame to let the free wish go. "Sure" said the man, " go ahead but first I have to say out loud that I hereby grant you the extra wish, and then you must close your eyes and ask three times "Genie, please grant me the wish of __________. " Within 5 minutes the bar started to fill up by a barrage of ducks who just kept on coming and coming and coming into the bar, quacking loudly, flapping their wings, running aimlessly through the bar creating havoc since there were so many of the ducks. "OMG" screamed the bartender over the noise. "Your genie must have a hearing problem since I asked for a million BUCKS and not ducks!" "No foolin'" answered the man. "You don't really think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST, now do you ??!"
6. Ok this is a really good joke... There was a guy at the bar who was so drunk he threw up on himself. "Oh no! What should I do my wife will kill me!" he said. "Oh don't worry" said his friend. "Just put $20 in your pocket and say that a bloke was sick on you and he gave you money for the dry cleaning bill." When the man got home his wife was cross and accused him of being sick because he was drunk. "No someone was sick on me. Look they gave me this $20 for dry cleaning." "But this is $40." "Ah yes. The other $20 was from the chap who peed on my trousers." haha
7. why is cinderella bad at sports? she wears glass shoes, she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball.
8. Dude here I give you my advice..... youtube vid: Carlos Mencia stand up comedy very funny WATCH IT!!! It will help alot! (if u understand)