Clean Free Jokes

Clean, free jokes/ecards? Does anybody know of any clean, free, funny ecards or jokes and where I can get them?

How to get free jokes everyday? I would like to get nice clean jokes everyday without spending a penny. I really don't know the way to get free jokes. I've betted that I shall send a joke a day to my sister. Please help me.

anyone know of a free Clean chat room? By clean I mean you can go in and not be hounded for naked pics. Where you can just go and chill and chat. and where the people are not teens? Messenger is a joke its a total sex chat.

A few clean jokes I kinda like. Whaddya think? 1. A man is driving down the highway when he sees several penguins waddling along on the side of the road. He doesn't want to just leave them there, so he stops and puts the penguins in his car. Later that day, the man is pulled over by a police officer. The officer says, "sir, are you aware that those penguins are a protected species? I'll let you off with a warning this time but you need to take those penguins to the zoo." "Alright, officer, I will," says the man. The next day, the police officer sees the same man is driving down the same highway and once again, he has the penguins in the back of his car. The police officer pulls the man over. "Sir, i pulled you over yesterday and thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." "I did take them to the zoo, officer, and we had so much fun that today we're going to the beach." 2. Three women die and go to heaven. They are waiting at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter tells them, "Ok, you can do whatever you want, but there's one rule: God is very fond of his pet ducks and lets them roam free around heaven. If you step on one, you'll be punished." The women get into heaven and sure enough, there are thousands of ducks all over heaven. A day later, one of the women accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter appears with the ugliest guy this woman has ever seen and handcuffs him to her. Seeing the punishment that their friend got, the other two women try very hard to avoid stepping on any ducks. They manage to avoid it for two weeks, but finally, one of the women accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter appears again with another extremely ugly guy and handcuffs him to the second woman. The third woman tries even harder to avoid stepping on the ducks after that. She avoids stepping on them for three weeks, then St. Peter shows up again. The women couldn't remember ever stepping on a duck, but figured someone must have noticed something that she forgot. This time the guy St. Peter brings with him looks nothing like the two ugly guys: he's 6' 6'', muscular, chiseled good looks, wavy blonde hair, baby blue eyes... St. Peter handcuffs this guy to the woman and she is overcome with happiness. "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" she asks St. Peter and the blonde guy. "I don't know what you did," says the blonde guy, "but I stepped on a duck." 3. An elderly couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant when a genie appears next to their table. "I don't normally do this," the genie says, "but you two have been married for 50 glorious years, ever since you were both college students. That's a pretty big accomplishment, so I'm going to grant each of you a wish." The wife thinks about her wish for a moment and says, "I've always wanted to travel, but we never really found the time. I wish I could travel all over the world." The genie claps his hands and *POOF* there are plane tickets, train tickets, cruise tickets, and bus tickets to everywhere anyone could want to go. the genie turns to the husband and asks, "ok, what's your wish?" He thinks for a moment and says, "I wish I was married to a woman twenty years my junior." the genie claps his hands and *POOF* the husband is ninety. And of course... 4. A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "got any duck food?" "No," says the bartender, "this is a bar, we don't serve duck food." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "got any duck food?" "No, I told you yesterday that we don't have any duck food." On the third day the duck comes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "got any duck food?" "Look buddy, we didn't have any duck food yesterday or the day before, we're never going to have any duck food. If you ask me that again I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the ground." The duck leaves. On the fourth day the duck comes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "got any nails?" "No, of course not. This is a bar, not a hardware store." "Good. Got any duck food?"

I Need FUNNY JOKES! Clean or not - Do you know any? Feel free to go mad...

Who wants a FREE MONITOR CLEANER ? ( joke, not spam)? http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resources/screenclean.swf

I'm 4real,no jokes...can u backup your registry,by using a registry cleaner,like eusing free registry cleaner. or maybe the cc cleaner registry cleaner.

Looking for a "Joke of the day" free texts site..? Does any one knows where I can get a FREE text message sent to my cell phone with a Joke-of-the-day, I'd be greatful.. I'm looking for clean jokes, dirty jokes, funny jokes, you name it.. as long as it's free.. I have unlimited text and internet so I'm not worried about having to downlown something.. I just don't what to pay the 4.99 or 9.99 monthly charges to the company to send them to me.. Any help.... Thanks

Share your jokes!!! Funniest gets Best Answer!!!? Hi! I posted this to hear some jokes and to share some of my own. Bad jokes, good jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, etc are all welcome. Here are some of mine (prepare to groan!). Three men named Larry, Dick and Harry are climbing up a mountain. A genie suddenly appears and says: "Jump off the mountain and say something, and I will turn you into that thing!" So first Dick jumps off and yells: "Eagle!" and he turns into an eagle. Then Harry jumps off and yells: "Falcon!" and he turns in a falcon. Finally Larry is about to jumps off when he accidently slips, and cries out: "Harry! Dick!" and he's turned into a hairy d***. The good news is I won a free flight to Jamaica. The bad news is the plane crashed. The good news is that I had a parachute. The bad news is that it was ripped. The good news is that there was a haystack below me. The bad news is that there was a pin in the haystack. The good news is that I missed the pin. The bad news is that I missed the haystack! Hope you liked them! Remember to share your own! Funniest joke gets Best Answer and 10 points! If you're just gonna say "i," you might as well keep it to yourself and stop wasting everybody's time. Thank you, Allie! That was great! Unless someone can top that, you got Best Answer in...3 or 4 hours (they won't let me do it 'till then!).

Helping To Clean The Dishes? Free Jokes Newsletter! Get these great stories sent directly to your email! Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

Chuck Norris Jokes? Feel free to post your own (clean) Chuck Norris jokes here. When the boogie man goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

Does anyone know of any good blonde jokes? I'll give the funniest joke 10 points. Feel free to post more than one joke. Please keep it clean. (That means NO curse words!!)

Joke of the day? Where can I find a FREE good CLEAN joke of the day (RSS feed would be nice)

Best Jokes That You Know? In one of my classes we kinda have a tradition of telling jokes during our free time. Do you have any jokes you know of that are tellable in school (clean)? I'm starting to run out of them. Also, it would help if they were fairly original. Thanks!

I am bored....jajajaja....? the one who tells me the funniest, clean joke... gets free 10 points... so what r u staring here for? start writing! =) @hallow_tip_mac: lmao... ahaha! =)

which group is the best? i want to get free clean and good jokes to my email address,not bad things .i want to get some pictures jokes puzzles etc.so which group

KID & DAD joke {its a clean joke promise}? there is a 17 year old teenager driving a big truck.Suddenly his truck slips and it completely flips upside down and crashes with a huge BANG!!!.Next thing the teenager sees is that hes being dragged out of the car by an old man.So the kid askes the old man "thankyou for saving me but i have to go and tell my dad about the crash"so the old man says "no no u should stay and take a shower before you leave otherwise your dad will yell at you because ur so filthy.So the kid goes and takes the shower.when he comes back he says "I really got to go and tell my dad about the crash" But the old man says U should stay for supper before you go otherwise youll be hungry.so the kid stays and eats supper while hes about to finish the old man asks the kids"by the way before you leave...where is ur dad????........"so the kid replies saying.....O ya hes still in the truck....." feel free to contact me

haircut (Clean Joke)? The Haircut... One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. Have a happy Friday

I am being good today here's another clean joke? A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. BLOKE: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" BLOKE: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." BLOKE: "How much?" WOMAN: "£70,000" BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000" BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Free Ten Points for the Best Joke Punch Line? So my sister does hairstyling in a salon. Yesterday, guy enters her salon for a haircut. She sits him down and says, "What'll it be?" He laments, "Look, you gotta help me! My hair is a mess. It's a total disaster! I have a big date tonight, and my hair is a complete disaster! Somebody get FEMA emergency services over here, STAT! My hair is a total wreck! I look like one of those piles of fur that the cat left on the couch! No, make that TEN cats! See what you can do, huh? Make me look like a movie star! Please! Make me look like George Clooney, will you please? I'm in shambles! Ya gotta fix me! Please!" She looks at his shaggy hair and says, "Well, yup. . . we've definitely got some trouble here. . . uneven look, split ends. . . hmm. . . . OK." So she starts cutting, cleans up his locks, makes them all nice-and-even, and gives him a clean, fresh new look. She gives him a shampoo, with fine aloe vera, washes his hair with warm water, then drys him and spruces him up with designer gel. Presto! Ahhh, he's relaxed. He looks perfect! He says, "Oh my! The kid is hot tonight! Here I go, baby, ready for my date! Thanks, babe, you're awesome! And you know what? I'm starting to look like George Clooney already!!" He pays her the $18 for the standard cut. But he only tips her fifty cents. OK, what should my sister say, for the punch line? I need a great punch line for my sister to get back at him! What should my sister say, to make the joke funny? Free ten points!

Free Ten Points If You Create The Best Joke Punch Line? So my sister does hairstyling in a salon. Yesterday, guy enters her salon for a haircut. She sits him down and says, "What'll it be?" He laments, "Look, you gotta help me! My hair is a mess. It's a total disaster! I have a date tonight, and my hair is a complete disaster! Somebody get FEMA emergency services over here, because my hair is a total wreck! I look like one of those piles of fur that the cat left on the couch! See what you can do, huh? Make me look like a movie star! Please! Make me look like George Clooney, will you please? I'm in shambles!" She looks at his shaggy hair and says, "Well, yup, we've definitely got some trouble here. . . uneven look, split ends, hmm. OK." So she starts cutting, cleans up his locks, makes them all nice-and-even, and gives him a clean, fresh new look. She gives him a shampoo, with fine aloe vera, then drys him and spruces him up with designer gel. Presto! He looks perfect! He says, "Oh my! The kid is hot tonight! Here I go, baby, ready for my date!" He pays her the $16 for the standard cut. But he only tips her fifty cents. OK, what should my sister say, for the punch line? I need a great punch line for my sister to get back at him! What should my sister say, to make the joke funny? Free ten points! Like maybe, she could answer him, "Later, Dude, where are you goin' on your date? Mister Cheapie's Coffee Shop?"

Hawaiian cartoon? looking for a free, clean, and funny Hawaiian cartoon or jokes

Good clean pranks/funny signs?? Hi everyone :) My boss is quite a prankster and I've also done several pranks to her. We as well as our other co-workers have a lot of fun playing jokes on each other. The thing is, I need something new. She put a prank sign on my car regarding some free puppies and that was like a year ago or longer. I work at a christian preschool so I need to keep the pranks clean. I would like some ideas of something funny i could put on her car. I thought about fake parking tickets but those don't look convincing enough. Any ideas of things I could do?? Thanks!!

Can you point me to some comedians that do clean standup? I'm wanting to study stand up and need some examples to see and listen to. They can be classics or new, but they need to be mostly jokes that can be told to anyone. A bit of swearing is ok, but too many adult / sex jokes is not. I'm really looking for people who have a CD or a video of their own so I can really watch / listen to them. If you happen to have stand up experience I would love to talk to you! Please feel free to Email me.

(The Funny Things to Say): world's no1 jokes u will say wow? (The Funny Things to Say): 1.I like ur eyes and ur smile...damn I'm good at telling lies! 2.You're unique...just like everyone else 3.Everybody has the right to be stupid, but ur braking the rules! 4.Keep earth clean, it's not Ur-anus 5.Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns 6.Be cool...don't go to school 7.The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn? 8.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 9.Don't steel, the government hates competition 10.Yo mama's so stupid, she stole free bread 11.Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can see into the future After you read all of these jokes, please tell me what u thought of them. I'd REALLY appreciate that a lot.

HELP10 points! I'm the DJ and planning my 6 grade dance at my school! I need the clean verisons of these songs? They said no swear words, even though we talk about sex, drugs, and peverted jokes. I love these songs, but they have swear words. Could you find the clean versions of these songs on youtube, yahoo music, or immem? I tried looking everywhere. And they need to be on free websites. P.S. i know these are old songs, but i still listen to them even though i'm only 12. Bowling for soup- 1985 Simple plan- im just a kid paramore- misery buisness Bowling for soup- high school never ends (not the disney version. I HATE IT) My chemical romance- teenagers

can i use a mobile truck wash in a lay-by how much can i charge for cleaning an artic lorry & trailer? i have a waterfed pole window cleaning system that uses purified water to clean windows leaving them sparkling.Sometimes i wash my van with good results .i was wondering if i could go to a lay by and offer truck washing to lorry drivers. how much do they usually pay for truck cleaning, are truckers really bothered about having clean trucks. Will I only be washing owner drivers? If i gave reciepts would that help? What about if i provided a tea/coffee free with every truck wash? a Date with sally traffic (only joking)i live in the south east. anyone know of any good lay bys (popular with truckers) near Orpington/Croydon or anywhere near M25 A21 A20 Thank you for looking at my question i would appreciate any responses.

How to convince parents to let me get kitten? Hello. I found someone who is giving 8 week old kitten FREE with toys, litter, litter box, food. I Really want it and i showed my dad and he said oh you wanted birds i got birds. and he isnt allergic but he says that in a joking voice. he said theres isnt animals in the house and theyre dirty. It got checked, all clean and got its vaccines. Please help me out ! :D thanks.

here a few jokes for you? The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Shit" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall. In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night. The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night. So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry. The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

funny text messages - give me some lol? want some funny texts to send friends and stuff - jokes - clean or dirty whatever or a great site to go to that is free. thanks

More nice jokes? Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Man starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this oil? Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this Man: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Man: in my dreams rats play football evry night Doctor: take this tablet you will be ok Man: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final match * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he Has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe,But you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put theCurse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce You man and wife."

more nice jokes? Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Man starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this oil? Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this Man: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Man: in my dreams rats play football evry night Doctor: take this tablet you will be ok Man: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final match * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he Has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe,But you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put theCurse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce You man and wife."

Your mama jokes? Yo mama's teeth are so yellow... i can't believe it's not butter! yo mama's so bald that Mr.Clean gets jealous. Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo" Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama so fat were in her right now Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code! Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved! Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep. Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama so fat she influences the tides. Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse. Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Ok last men jokes. Star if funny!? What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot? One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. Why is a man like a moped? They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one. What's the difference between a man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to talk nicely. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools? Money. What's the most effective birth control device for men. Their manners. What's a dumb man's martini? An olive in a glass of beer. How do men define insomnia? Waking up every few days. Why are marriend women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator. Why don't men believe in paternity tests? Because the sample is taken from their finger. Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime. Nobody can call him a quitter. He always gets fired. Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. Why does the man bother? He's hoping for a lucky stroke. Mine. Why do male bosses have such poor grammar? Because they end every sentence with a proposition. Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster. Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!" Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?" Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there" Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him. Behind every great man is a puzzled woman. What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect." How does a woman know the man is cheating on her? He starts bathing twice a week. He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie. What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High School. Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is." We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked he burned the salad. Why don't men eat between meals. There *IS* no "between" meals. What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband? One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice. How do women define a 50/50 relationship? We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle. How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why don't men do laundry? Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control! What do you call a woman that works like a man?? A Lazy bitch. Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So men can tell if they are coming or going. What's the difference between a man and a cow? One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place! Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain! Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.

some short jokes~~!!!? Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without brain.. Please tell them your age!!!!!! Mistakes are not crime......if you correct them they are the key of success FOR EXAMPLE....God created you ......He than created me Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger? Son: I start cleaning toilet Dad: How does that satisfy you? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 male se gir gaya tha Banta: to fir bach gaya ya mar gaya? Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa de Mom: tera dost chor hai kya? Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pahechan lega In aptitude test...River Kaveri is in which state? Sardar: liquid state INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire? Sardar: Simple, stop imagining Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this oil? Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE Sardar 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha Baap ne puchha "kya kar rahe ho?" Sardar : baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon Two Sardars were walking together 1st Sardar: Yaar mar gaya , meri biwi aur premika saath aa rahi hain 2nd Sradar: oye, main bhi ye hi bol raha tha Sardar: in my dreams rats play football evry night DR: take this tablet you will be ok Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only woman ....you have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman Now who is Ravan????????????????????? @Jelz Ravan is sort of evil god ha comes in India stories Ramayana ha kidnaps god Rama's wife and Rama goes in search of Sita his wife kills Ravana and brings her back to his kingdom~~!! and Ravana has heads~~!!!ten lives so Rama had to kill ten times to actually kill him completely~~!!!!

Got Jokes? Want to read some great Jokes? A convict escaped from prison by digging a tunnel. It came up outside the prison in a school playground. The convict was so happy when he emerged from the tunnel he exclaimed, "I'm free, I'm free!"
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four." It's true that children brighten up a home.
They never turn off the lights. A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen." A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..." "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.
"Diet." What children's toy hates to be touched?
Lego! What did the panda take with him on vacation?
Just the bear necessities. Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks. What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a steamroller?
Flatman and ribbon. Why did the farmer ask the vet to examine his cow?
Because she was so mooo-dy. What do you call a sick crocodile?
An illigator. Why did the robber take a bath?
So he could make a clean getaway. Where do fish keep their money?
In river banks. 'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.' A woman got on a bus with seven children. The bus conductor asked: 'Are these all yours lady? Or is it a picnic?'
'They're all mine,' she replied. 'And it's no picnic!' The first thing a child learns when he gets a drum is that he'll never get another one. A father was talking to his son. 'Now listen, my boy, from now on you do your own home-work. I'm not going to do any more for you - it's not right.' 'I know.' said the boy. 'but have a shot at it just the same.

Adult's Jokes(by comments get points)? 1) A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business." 2) During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Jokes!. What do you guys think of em? What man do men always take off their hats? The barber! Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted a clean getaway! If Phil & Lil were a fruit, what kind would they be? A pear! If a man falls into an outhouse hole, how long will he be in there? It depends on how many moons he sees! How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change! What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty! hat did the dentist say to his computer? You have a severe Megabyte! Why did Jon go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date! Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son? His son...he was a little Bigger!. Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich? Because the poor didn't have any money! Why did the man throw his pants out the window? He heard the newspaper boy yell "Free Press"! What do you call a funny guy whose face changes colors? A chameleon! Why is Santa Claus like a busy gardener? Because all he does is HO HO HO! What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits! Why did the lawyer go to court in her underwear? Because she lost her suit! Why is Bart Simpson's Dad afraid of Mark McGuire? Because he hits a lot of Homers! What do you get when you cross a grandma & an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can play Bingo! What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells! Why did the man run around his bed? To catch up on his sleep!

How many Yahoo! Answers Hamsters would it take to screw in a light bulb? Yamster: http://360.yahoo.com/profile-d8pH0dcoRKeB12yOcnUQp.9VCFos Feel free to make your own Yahoo! Answers Jokes. Keep it clean, this should be fun!

[Directed at the women| Guys free to offer an opinion] Your opinion on sexist commercial ads? As a guy, I am personally insulted at ads directed at men's assumed sub-par hygeine and intellect. For example, "men have their opinion of clean, and we have ours". And ever notice men are most often the butt of jokes, where women come out looking intellectually superior? Since when have most men been dumb dirty slobs? Women, do you have beefs with any commercial ads? Are you tired of being seen as sex objects? Do you even think you are? What I don't understand is woman promote the idea of being sex objects and men promote the idea of being intellectually inferior...

I'm in the mood for airplane jokes. You like? Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

great text site - funny? would love some funny texts to send friends - jokes clean dirty it dont matter or a GREAT site i can go to thats free, thanks

A joke translation from American English to British English (for over age 30)? I have a clean joke which usually works with middle aged Americans. You could tell it to a preacher's wife. - A couple that have been married a long time are both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They awake to find themselves standing in a long line outside the pearly gates. To their right they see a neon sign flashing "This way to Hell, Non-stop, Free margaritas, No Waiting". Naturally the couple continues to wait for their turn to see St. Peter to get into heaven. - After standing in line for about a week, the husband grows impatient and listens in to the conversation in the front of the line. St.Peter is chiding a man. He says "Drink, drink, drink; all you cared about your whole life was 'drink'. You even married a woman named 'Brandy'. You can't come into heaven! Off to hell with you!". The exchange shakes the husband and he returns to the line quietly. - After another week the husband grows impatient again. He listens to the current conversation. St. Peter is chiding another man, saying "Money, money, money; all you cared about your whole life was 'money'. You even married a woman named 'Penny'. You can't come into heaven! Off to hell with you!" - The husband returns to his wife, and says "Fanny, I think I'm just wasting my time." --------------------------------- I was told that "fanny" can be a very vulgar word in the UK. So my clean joke would end up fairly offensive. Is this true? Would a middle aged Brit find the joke vulgar, or would they understand Americans don't use "fanny" as a vulgar word? Well, yes the joke is more literal in British English, but it's no longer acceptable for the preacher's wife. -Craig Ferguson says he gets a kick out of being able to say the word on American TV, because it is as unoffensive as butt or bum. ---------- I am not sure how the two cultures deviated so much on this word. Usually vulgarities are a very old part of a language.

Some more jokes!!Please give stars!!? An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!! A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. ' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!! Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! ...................................................................................................... An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" ...................................................................................................... According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators ...................................................................................................... A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. "You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. "This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft-type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, this is the full joke (last one)- A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. "You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. "This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft-type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year." The guy The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're kidding me!" The social worker said, "Well, yeah, but you started it."

Jokes ... I will add eventually every funny one I find , check out every here and now ... =D? Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. (man....if only I knew A B C....) 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. (sure...thanx for the warning!) 3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. (in months or years?) 4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. (check it out) 5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. (howwww sweeeet) 6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. (wow! A free trip to heaven?) 7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. (uh...huh!) 8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. (hey....who taught cows the bad habit??) 9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. (nice work!) 3 men where at the FBI for a job interview. The first man walked into the office.The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal,dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her" The man took the gun,hesitated,and said "Sorry,I can't" The next interviewe came into the office.The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all.Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her" The man took the gun,walked into the room, then walked out."Sorry" he said. The last man came into the office.The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal,dedicated, and give us your all.Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her" The man took the gun and went into the room.The Agent heard 6 shots,silence,then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks,so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!" A rich lawyer parked his brand new Mercedes in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along and completely tore off the driver's door! The lawyer began screaming for the police, and soon they arrived. The lawyer started screaming hysterically, "My brand new car is ruined!! Don't just stand there, arrest that driver!" The cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you are. You're so focused on your new car that you overlook the important things. "What?", asked the lawyer. "How can you say such a thing?" "My God, the cop replied, "Don't you know your left arm was also torn off?" The lawyer looked down at the bleeding shoulder where his left arm had been. Oh my God!", screamed the lawyer! "Where is my Rolex?" The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde Was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's Fair. Here's your money." Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Tom took the money. A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude? one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? " "Nope......... just when it's raining".__._,_.___ An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor. "What was that for?", says the Chinaman. "That", says the Jew, "Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you b******s!" The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says "Hey wait, I`m Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour." The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you`re all the same to me." So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked. "What was that for?" "That was for sinking the Titanic" "The Titanic!", says the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!" And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you`re all the same to me!" In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 1. On Sears Hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Gee, that’s the only time one has to work on their hair) 2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (Evidently, the Shoplifters Special) 3. On a bar of Dial Soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how…?) 4. On some Swanson Frozen Dinner: “Serving Suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion) 5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu Dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.” (Oops, too late!) 6. On Marks & Spencer Brand Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (As night follows day…) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t this save even more time?) 8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope) 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For Indoor or Outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?) 11. On a Japanese Food Processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (Admit you’re curious.) 12. On Sainsbury’s Peanuts: “Warning: Contains Nuts.” (NEWS FLASH) 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta.) 14. On a Child’s Superman Costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.) 15. On a Swedish Chain Saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...good grief) 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid: “Do not use on food.” (Hey, Mom, we’re out of syrup! It’s OK honey, just grab the Palmolive!) 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.” (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?) 18. On a bottle of ALL Laundry Detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in Washing Machine.” (Hey no more swimming in the Washing Machine kids)

My husband doesn't want anything for Christmas!? Ok, I deal with this every year and birthday. My husband doesn't want me to spend any money on anything for Christmas. I was going to grab a little something while out shopping, but I have a chronic illness and I've been feeling pretty bad these past couple of days. The dr has me on pain pills and other pain meds so I'm not in any shape to go out. I have slowly been trying to get house in order and been doing tons of cleaning before this my bladder flared up again. I have IC. So I did tell him that was some of his gift. A clean house. lol I do plan on giving him a little more hugs, kisses and such. (wink) I've done "coupons" before and he never used them (he can get it for free he jokes). Any ideas at all? My 6yr old asked me what can we put under the tree for daddy. I joked I'm to big. lol

Are you an Audiophile or not? Ok, someone threw the gauntlet down, and I am taking it up! Which are you, an "audiophile" or do you like digital better? I notice that Yahoo Answers wants to put this post in the section about sexual identity, so please read the below article to understand what an audiophile is.:o Please read the article at the link below before answering: http://electronics.howstuffworks.com/digital-versus-analog.htm I am an audiophile, and PROUD of it! I have clean, scratch-free vinyl records that were of high quality when recorded, and they sound wonderful on my quality analogue system! You get a FULL RANGE of sound! They sound good even from the cassette tapes I record from the vinyl and play on my quality analogue system. I do this so I can keep my records in perfect shape, less chance of them getting scratched and worn down from multiple use. When the cassette wears out -if ever- I can remake a copy. Some say digital CD's last longer? BAH! They can scratch, and crack also! And besides, they haven't been around as long as my records (some are 30 years old and still in excellent shape). How long have you had your CD's, so how do you KNOW they will hold up well over time? So, which are you, an Audiophile, or a Digital lover? Help me out here fellow Audiophiles!;).....OK, NO crude jokes please!

Joke: The miracle computer screen cleaner? I'm sure most of you try to keep your computer desk and the outside of your computer clean and free of dust. And I''m sure, at least every now and then you clean your monitor screen with some kind of glass cleaner. Well did you know it's equally important to keep the inside of your screen clean as well??? You're probably wondering how do you clean the INSIDE of your screen. Good news!!! I found this great free tool that cleans the inside of your monitor screen. Simply use this tool once or twice a day to keep the inside of your monitor screen crystal clear: http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf Test it..What your thoughts..

What are the odds of finding a ? woman on here 18-24, hardbody, any race, loves to cook, clean and is always available for on demand no limit sex for free? Oh and doesn't mind that I'm already married. (Gambling section? That's appropriate!) BTW, this is a joke question, but if you want to be morally offended, please feel free. Okay, 37 if you're built like Harley Mama! Onederful, no daughters, two sons that would be too old! LOL Grumpy Girl, of course the wife knows nothing about this! How about red glass on silver plastic, I got one in an egg from a gumball machine the other day. Ependa, we had a pool boy she hired for almost a year. Then I remembered, we didn't have a pool.

Anyone know Japanese? A friend of mine is visiting Tokyo and I want to tell him to clean his dirty ears!? It's an inside joke (he's fluent in Japanese), but I'd like to send him a funny email while he's there.Feel free to improvise! (Difficulty level: I can't type in Japanese characters!)

RE: Here are some obvious facts and two jokes? this was previously posted as a bit of an attack at men so i figured it would be fair to respond to it: Here are some obvious facts and two jokes Advantages Of Being A Woman Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. - we value you the same as children 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. - it would be weird if we flirted with system support men plus we don't blow up our computers 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. - they make you look like a dyke 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. - female groupies stalk the band members for unconventional methods of having sex, male groupies stalk the band members for unconventional methods of sex. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. - you don't get off them, women drivers are dangerous enough as it is, most policemen are aware of this and give out jail time to a speeding woman. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. - you've never had to, you've got us. 7. Taxis stop for us. - you're easier to rape 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. - that we set up, your welcome. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. - you look like a muffin with arms and legs 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). - better jobs, better prospects, better salaries... (you get the point, we can afford it) 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. - so can we 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.- we don't live in hitler's germany 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. - men call it a pre-nup 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. - you're missing out 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. - you can just talk crap, similar idea different oraphis. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. - unless you get caught in the wrong light and reveal your ghost stubble. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. - we have the option 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. - more make-up, eventually the facial features will disappear completely and you'll look like a thumb with hair 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. - occasionally tuck them in 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. - rapists 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. - hence you don't fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. - we require monkey butlers 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. - we can talk without the other person having to picture us naked 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.- if a man can do it he's a king, if a woman does it its scary, also don't do it if you're under 40. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. - we wonder why the girls always dine with popeye 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. - except obesity, ugliness, chronic depression, diabetes...in fact it usually makes them worse 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. - you will when they get caught on your ego 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. - men are deeper 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. - men hold theirs or just don't forget. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. - men know the easiest way not to get lost is by leaving the woman at home, cleaning. That's all in good humor, and lets hear them

Is anyone else sick and tired of buying things that simply do not do what it says on the tin/box? Electronic fly zapper - nothing has been near it in the 3 months since I bought it. Cat and dog repellant - next doors moggie loves it! Sticky Stuff Remover - useless! One coat paint - you are joking Organic patio cleaner - better using plain water and a scrubbing brush Smear free screen wipes - having a laugh Norton Anti Virus - even company admits a problem "Free" internet downloads - always a catch

Why does my main disk on my computer only has 13gb of space? and no i'm not reading the numbers wrong,it's exactly right it only has 13.9gb of space,i don't know what to do anymore my computer never has any space and it always runs out of it,right now it only has 53.6mb of free space and i'm not even joking,can someone please explain this to me i don't know why,and i've already cleaned out the programs i don't want or need i've tried everything and i also have another disk and i put programs on that disk instead but nothing helps

Yo mama jokes? your moms like a big mac...full of fat and worth 1 dollar Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, No Professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed, "Gorillas in the Mist," in her shower. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras. Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say ,"Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...for a quote! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!! Yo momma so ugly that her face will make a freight train take a dirt road! Yo momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life. Yo momma so ugly, she walked into taco bell and they all ran for the border! Yo momma so ugly people go ask her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party! Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! " Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!! Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!" Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator! Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell! Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family. Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale! Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole *** over! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued." Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat we're in her right now. Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!" Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn." Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please." Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the *****'s good side! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo. Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips! Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through. Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide. Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship. Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth. Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons! Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals! Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ! Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development. Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94." Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans. Yo momma so stupid, she studied for a drug test! Yo momma so stupid, she thought, "Wu Tang" was an African orange drink! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl. Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends. Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was, "Illegitiment" because she couldn't read. Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind. Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid she asked you, "What is the number for 911?" Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?" she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under, "Education," on her job application, she put, "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she watches, "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course. Yo momma so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo momma so stupid, she couldn't read an audio book. Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo momma so stupid she stands up on an empty bus. Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hourr virus. Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg. Yo momma so stupid she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper . Yo momma so stupid she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said "Disney World - Left" so she went home. Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said, "Guess" so she said, "Levi's." Yo momma so old, she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch! Yo momma so old that when she was in school, there was no history class. Yo momma so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". Yo momma so old she was Jesus Wet Nurse. Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang. Yo momma so old even God calls her mother! Yo momma so poor, she bounces food stamps!! Yo momma so poor, she can't afford to live in a two story Cheerio box! Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money. Yo Momma so poor she can't afford the o or the r. Yo Momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Moving." Yo Momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!" Yo Momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp. Yo Momma is so poor when she heard about the last supper she thought she had ran out of food stamps. Yo Momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo Momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo Momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo Momma so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus. Yo Momma so poor you put RoundUp on the weeds and she said, "There goes breakfast, lunch, and dinner!" Yo Momma so poor you asked her where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner." Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet! Do you know the story about the little old woman that lives in a shoe? Well, Yo mama so poor she live in a flip flop! Yo momma like a shot gun, two cocks and she blows! Yo momma like Domino's pizza -- Something for nothing. Yo momma like spoiled milk, fat and chunky! Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like a bowling ball: She's picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like a hockey team...changes her pads every three periods! Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma is like a racing car...chick burned four rubbers in one night. Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size. Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, she spits butter! Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.

more jokes.? Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party! Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! " Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!! Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!" Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator! Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell! Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family. Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale! Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole ass over! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued." Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat we're in her right now. Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!" Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn." Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please." Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo. Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips! Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through. Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide. Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship. Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth. Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons! Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals! Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ! Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development. Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94." Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.

Ramadan::::Funny Yo Mama JOKES!!? I found these online: Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo" Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama so fat were in her right now Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her... Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "TAXI!" Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th! Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code! Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved! Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side! Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose! Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama so fat that she comes in wearing heels, and comes out wearing flats! Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again. Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a pad. Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse. Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo mama so stupid when she went to the movies with 9 friends, she saw the "18 and up" sign, she went home and got 19 friends. Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death! Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo ma

Give your opinoin are these funny yo moma jokes? your moms like a big mac...full of fat and worth 1 dollar Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, No Professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed, "Gorillas in the Mist," in her shower. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras. Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say ,"Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...for a quote! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!! Yo momma so ugly that her face will make a freight train take a dirt road! Yo momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life. Yo momma so ugly, she walked into taco bell and they all ran for the border! Yo momma so ugly people go ask her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party! Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! " Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!! Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!" Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator! Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell! Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family. Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale! Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole *** over! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued." Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat we're in her right now. Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!" Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn." Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please." Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the *****'s good side! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo. Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips! Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through. Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide. Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship. Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth. Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons! Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals! Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ! Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development. Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94

Some jokes for ya'll ? A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him. "Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you." The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper. "You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window." ......................................... A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it." ................................ read this one out loud: Learn chinese in 5 minutes Dildo - Fun Toi Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau I absolutely agree! - No Daut Jesus Child - Ho Li Boi Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau Go for a ride for free - Hit Hai King I think our friend is homo - He Gai Your price is too high - Ai No Bai Dam Ting That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Hey, I think we have a serious problem here! - Sum Ting Wong Having an early orgasm - Kum Tu Suun Saying the same thing several times - Ri Pi Ting Are You horny? - Yu Har Dik You´re just so stupid - Fak Ju I just get drunk so easy - On Li Tu Oh, You´ve been smoking as well? - Ju Tu Hai I´ve got something in my eye - Aut Mai Ai You explained that before, but finally I understand - Ai See Nau Listen baby, isn´t that a pretty and romantic sky tonight? - Mun So Brait Let´s get outta here and that fast as hell! - Fa Kin Run Oh, just look at that Ferrari! - Big Boi Toi I´m just so horny - Ma Dik Big As I said before, Microsoft sucks! - Fa Kin Kom Pu Da I told You that´s he´s extremely ticklish! - Jum Pin Hai Hey buddy, I know it´s winter, but not THAT cold to pee outdoor - Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee Ok listen, this got to look like an accident - Hit Mai Ai He’s cleaning his automobile - He Wa Shing Ka This is a tow away zone - No Pah King Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan It’s very dark in here - Wai So Dim Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching Your body odor is so offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu I didn´t know that You knew the lyrics to The Macarena - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song I got this for free - Ai No Pei Phew, this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding See me as soon as possible - Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man - Dum Fuk I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo Great - Fa Kin Su Pah star if funny?

are these jokes funny or poor humor tell me what you think people.? #1 Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them out loud) 1) That’s not right ....Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ....Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP ....Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man .... Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse .... Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach?.... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table .... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni 8) I think you need a face lift.... Chin Tu Fat 9) It’s very dark in here .... Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet ....Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone ! .... No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week .... Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight ....Lei Ying Lo 14) He’s cleaning his automobile ....Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive ! .... Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great .... Fa Kin Su Pah Dildo...Fun Toi Ex-wife...Fa Kin Sau Jesus Child...Ho Li Boi Give me the money!...Pei Nau Where´s the restroom?...Ai Pee Nau I absolutely agree!...No Daut Stop teasing me!...Tat Nut Funi Go for a ride for free...Hit Hai King My friend is homo...He Gai Your price is too high...Ai No Bai Dam Ting That was an unauthorized execution..Lin Ching You are not very bright .... Yu So Dum Having an early orgasm.... Kum Tu Suun Saying the same thing....Ri Pi Ting Are You horny?....Yu dik Har You´re just stupid.... Fak Ju Oh, You´ve been smoking as well?....Ju Tu Hai Now I understand....Ai See Nau Let´s get outta here!....Fa Kin Run I´m just so horny....Ma Dik Big Microsoft sucks!.... Fa Kin Kom Pu Da Is'nt it cold to pee outdoor?....Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee I didn´t know that You could sing?....Wai Yu Sing Dum Song I got this for free....Ai No Pei #2Once there where two balls they always argued about who was bigger but they never settled it and one day their tall friend jimmy said you know what? Both of yall are nuts! #3Why is Orgasm a 6 letter Word? Because its Easier to Spell than........... Ohmygodyesohshitdeeperyesgodpleasefuckmebaby #4There once was a rooster and a cat walking on the pier the cat fell into the water and the rooster stood there and laughed at the cat struggling in the water... The moral of this story is where ever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock #5After 20 yrs of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her. She said explain the dildo fool. He said explain the kids! Bitch! #6There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber strap on my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!

Why can't I think of anything to ask? Because this is so, Pleae feel free to vent, celebrate or wharever you?? Care tro reply...The floor is yours....just promise me you will try to keep thi one clean....ok? *wink* SAY ANYTHING!!!!!!!~ I am and you would be gobsmaked to hear what is omingout of my mouth st thisinstant....i am laughing so hard!!!! *inside joke thing* ~ How about you?????

did i fresh'n u up??? 3 jokes only!!? A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." -- Dont Complain, A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"

Need help finding an EXCELLENT & FREE spyware remover, anyone??? So, I have EZ Anti-virus, and I've tried the Webroot (joke), and I"ve tried the Lavasoft, and also Windows live One Care. Both the Lave & One Care cleaned up the spy ware, but not for long. I have MAJOR pop ups, that appear out of EVERYWHERE, and I also seem to lose my toolbar at times. Its weird. So, can anyone help me to get rid of the trouble COMPLETELY? I don't want it to return.. PLease.. HELP!! Ok, now.. trying to download a program to help me get rid of the junk.. Its not happening. I can't download, until I clean my computer first.. any suggestions? SOMEONE!!.. you gave me an answer, and Im not that computer savvy. Could you please explain what you mean, and also give me some direction as to how Im supposed to do this?

If someone said you had a nice home would you be happy? I've just had guests in for a chat and they were commenting that I have a really lovely and well kept home, they said that they "wished they were like me" whatever that means. I simply said that I enjoy keeping my space clean, clutter free and smelling nice and that junk has no place in my home or garden, I do a little here and a little there when I have the time to just keep my home and garden organised. The lady was joking that it's "very rare to find a young man who takes such a pride in his surroundings and that I'd be just perfect for her daughter" should I take this as a compliment or something else? Thanks a lot for your help, What exactly did she mean by this? Apparently I'm sorted for life with the house I have.

The MAN makes the decision, the WOMAN makes the sandwich!!!? Everyone knows that the man should do the work and the women should raise the children, clean the house, and get back in that kitchen and make us some damn sammys!!!!!! Of course, after the children grow up and move out the woman can go out and get herself a stupid little job at the local grocery store or something. So my questions is, do any of you men out there have to deal with women that refuse to make your sammys and want a job, rights, the keys to the car, and all that jazz? How do you deal those ludicrous demands?? Also, if you have any good woman jokes...feel free to share!

anyone have any good insults? please post them? feel free to post yo mama jokes. comebaacks or poems. keep it clean please

This is for easy points.? For a christmas gift,to all thoughs in Yahoo answers, you get free points if you can tell me the funnyist joke yall know, dirty or clean.

Our town council really controls the town? Tyrone Oklahoma is not a place to move to if you value your peace, and a nice clean neighborhood. Tyrone is full of junk and barking dogs, and the Town council doesnt want to address these issues. I have tried for over 6 years to get the town to be free from unruly dogs and completely useless junk in my neighborhood. The council wont help me or anyone else. They just sit on their fannys, tell a few jokes, and tell the citizens to shut up about complaining. I am not the only one who doesnt like whats going on in this town, but their complaints fall on deaf ears too. So its not just one persons opinion.

For ALL Network - Percentages & People's reaction to them. Or am I too good that I render myself impotent? [Warning: You will not like me - I am not a person to be liked, but more loved. Loved to be hated or loved to be loved. Either way, I inspire love in others, there is little ambivalance in my life. No matter how hard I try to fit in with the majority. I seek an extraordinarliy ordinary life. I am doomed to get what I want. And what I need to do so... I am a self made man. I rely on no-one but myself. The others that I do rely one are but re-iterations of my own needs and wants - I am both the copied and the copier. I am the mimicked and the mimc; The king for each day and fool for each lifetime of days... This is some REAL self-obsessed tosh - if you believe that it is, you probably won't want to answer. In fact, I implore you not to answer, because you'd just be wasting your time reading this and answering it if you believe it is - I'm doing you a favour, stop reading NOW! BUT: That doesn't mean you can prove me right by answering by being a Total Waste A Time: Acronym - T.W.A.T] I am and have a massive bell-end and, because I do, it hurts everything I stick it into (only human, physically... Lol! - see I laugh at my own jokes... THAT's how much of a joke I am). Maybe I should stick to self-pleasuring..? Oh... I do and that's why I'm so good at it. I don't think people like it when you enjoy using Yahoo Answers, pleasing yourself, more than they think you should do. (I hate the word should - it's so... [Godwin's Law]) Is this the Yahoo Answer's version of penis envy? Or do I just have a massively over-inflated ego to match my 60percent and tiny pecker? Accepting a poor diagnosis from a quack, when you have asked for an expert's or professional's opinion, specifically, seems a little confused. So I'm doing that because I'm Daffy Duck. I received a lot of training after music college, after doing my Cisco/MCSE, which led to me receiving a lot more training than just how to shoot and military tactics and scouting... I learned a lot more than the military could teach through being in a band, before doing any of this, and my previous experience and further studies and learnings. Everything in my life is what helped me become who I am today and provided a solid base for me to launch my career as a psychoanalysist/life-coach, writer and Martial Art teacher. I'm seriously considering becoming an hermit... I fear that maybe it is too late for me. I can't help lead people out of their confusion, sometimes - it is up to people when they learn... (please no jokes about confusious and his bangkock escapade, that's pretty old and is over used, like my Yahoo Answer's account - even though I've only had it two weeks...) Now it is my turn to be confused, my chance to learn and yours to lead me from the confusion and into the clear waters of serentiy or whatever it's called... Bluewater's a massive shopping centre. They must first ask a question before I can answer it. At least approach seeking knowledge that they do not know how to ask for... The only person I feel sorry for in the instances, to which I am referring, are the people who search for answers - people like myself... I try not to ask questions unless I already know the answer, because I have found it already. But sometimes I need to learn that what I have found is right - so I ask. Like now. They see the best answer as one that is chosen (and I don't like voting for myself, that's why I have friends, whom I have helped, who seek my answers and vote them as the most relevent because they believe they are), often mostly incorrect - there are no wrong answers nor questions, except in definites (but that's another case entirely) and do not see the information that the most relevent answer has provided, for which that person is usually thanked for by email after the question has been resolved... I find this behaviour quite bizarre. I don't care for the whole points system, seeing it's flaws (especially now), but I do mind, however, about spreading the right information - the living, loving truth, and people's stupidity when faced with something that isn't stupid... I'm having difficulty understanding it all, so I'd really appreciate it if someone could shed some light or provide some kind of corroboration on my social/psycholgical theories about this issue. It seems like a pointless question to me, but it may not to others - therefore I am asking it for other people, so I can learn from their answers instead of seeking them out for myself, for a change. Please get your thinking caps on and consider this question as you would any other about how to best wear a suit or clean a teapot, fix a radiator, let people know how you think they should look after themselves or loved ones or plants, etc... or how you think you believe other people should run their lives. (I hate the word should... It's so commanding... Commands are best as suggestions, presented as a choice where there is only one real solution). [This is not the FINAL SOLUTION - that's Godwin's Law in action] The reason most people have cited, when they thank me for the information, and feel the need to explain why they didn't select the truth over compassion - their personal bias toward the underdog - is that it is because my percentage is so high... They like to give someone else a chance and so choose their answer, regardless of how incorrect or misleading it is, purely because they do not want to be seen to have a favourite who is usually (65pc) right. Their judgement is not sound, on the surface, nor is it even close to what you have chosen to do. In other words - why are people lying to everyone and telling only me the truth? Is it because everyone lies? Or is it because I only speak, see and hear the truth? They have allowed their bias (and compassion) to blind them to the truth. They will often tell me that they are following my advice and accepting my answer as the one that they deem to be the most relevant, but they are not letting other people know this. Something I disagree with, as it's unethical and it promotes a faulted society based on bias and not harmonious, truthful values. I wish society was more like that - it would solve so many problems. It'd really make the world we live in a great place. I have recently learned, through my own mistakes, that EVERYTHING on the internet is immortalised. Especially the bad things. I wish I could take back the bad thing I said, but I cannot - I have attoned for it and it has been said to me that there was no offense taken and that they believed that what I said was correct and were suprised that they were chosen to be the majority's voice. The voice of Truth and Reason as is believed. One person cannot be the majority... It takes the *actual* majority for that! I am also biased, because I know my judgement to be sound and has been proven so under extreme conditions. You chose the best answer - go consult with a doctor, do this do that, see this type of person, find this out, learn this, whatever. What you do not notice is that I am these people. Please, please, please - let me know that you have chosen what I say. I DO NOT WANT best answer. My percentage of best, though based upon the fact that I 65pc DO give the best answer, is too high and is making people NOT choose it as best. Because of this, I DO NOT WANT YOU to choose ME. Even less do I want you to be me, for I would wish this curse upon no other person alive or dead. No matter whether they are loved nor loved to be hated or hated to be loved... It is a terrible, but wonderful thing and I loathe it with all my being. All they are allowing to happen by choosing this is letting other people know that the answer they have chosen (to the questions the other person are asking) is wrong, but right. In their biased judgment and not because of their rationality and belief in the truth... Something which everyone knows, but not everyone accepts. There is a lot of denial in the world and I don't mean a Pharoh's last boat ride. Why do, wherever I go, truth and belief, (leading to other people's politics) always come into play when they are absolute and not games? It happens everywhere I've been and, most likely, will follow me, as my friends have, throughout my life. It still makes me wrong wherever I go. I am hunted by the very thing I hunt. I am haunted by those that I haunt. I am followed by those that I follow, as the truth treads in the footsteps that I have yet to leave and have left. People are obviously compassionate enough to give someone a chance to improve their rating from 6pc to 60pc - but the rating is there for a reason. It shows the fact that the person knows what they are talking about. Please enable your email so you can email me with questions if you seek my answers, as others of my contacts here do, so that people are not biased by the fact that I have such an high percentage score and choose the lesser answer - meaning that IF someone searches and finds this question they get the wrong advice. Please. It is important to me that I continue my relationships with you all, but I feel that it is becoming too hard to do so because of other's ideas of success on this forum (my idea of success is 100pc, but I will never reach that... Such is life, such is my standard). Use your head - I can't help stupid people. Activate your email, so that I may email you my answers instead of answering them and you feeling that you must give someone else the points, meaning everyone gets the wrong answer, instead of doing what is right and forgetting your bias so that the right answer is given and accepted, but another still receives the kudos and credit - I have surpassed the need for such things. They mean less to me than the size of my own pecker. It's a real shame that it means so much to other men and women alike. It just *is*. I would rather it be that I give no overt answer that is ignored and debased and do not exist except in the questioner's mind. I perceive this as a personal insult and when I feel insulted I become a not very nice person, which is very, very out of character to me when it comes to helping others. I believe it is better this way and that I can help more people. I may be wrong, which is why I seek your advice. Since this should be a question I will ask this: Do you think I am right? Are people biased by an high percentage and will chose another answer, partly because they do not want to add to that 65pc and make it higher, but still gain the insight that someone with such knowledge possesses, not wanting to share it with others because of a personal greed for political correctness and the desire to gain knowledge (ie power) over their fellow persons? Landslides create more problems than they fix, mostly (as they only come out at night... mostly...). If they do, do you not think that it would be a good idea to let other people know that, by adding a comment at the end of an answer response, to explain this reason? That is... Instead of just re-iterating what I said in one sentence and saying - you're wrong, but I chose you anyway cos the other guy's got a bigger 8==D / mind / level of experience than mine, else I wouldn't've asked or answered this question or comment in the first place? But I don't want to admit that fact because the difference is too great and by doing so, I am admitting my own failings, even though I've done that already by asking - not that it is a failing to seek knowledge. So I believe... I see it as an admirable quality! Questions are the key to learning and progression! They are the only way to become something more... That is why I am asking this one. Or do you think I should just lower my percentage to be 1pc, by answering stupidly lots of stupid questions (which I really don't want to do - it's not in my character) so that I can actually answer the questions and get the Truth out there without the asker being biased by such a percentage of correct answers as 65pc when it is needed? Or should I just create a whole new account? Or just stop Yahoo Answers entirely? All I want to do is help people. I do not want to have to create an alternate persona here, where I came to be myself of my own free will, so that I can achieve that which I feel I must. At least, I was led to believe that I could be who I am - I think *I* am the stupid one for believing that things could be any different. I am an ex-punk, ex-junkie, which made me "join the bloody army" where I excelled and became a member of a 6 man squad, operating in 2's, on discharge, I used my medical knowledge and psychological service to become who I am now. A psychoanalysist and life coach and a Martial Art teacher who is a published article and sci-fi writer. I lead an happy life with a woman I love in a nice house in a lovely part of London. We are successful and our prospects are good. I have met some good people on here, and I am still in touch with them. I hope to remain so with those that hope to remain so with me. However, some of them now believe that because I have given them such good advice and answers, that they must now repay me by ignoring it. For the reasons I have given you. If they have ever followed the ethos which attracted them to me in the first place, they would stand for the greater good of all - they would think about what I say and act accordingly to further the whole and to exceed their own standards and those set by the society in which they live. Or - am I just a complete and utter T.W.A.T? It's an easy answer, really - all answers are relevent - if you've got this far, you've done exceedingly well. Thank-you for your time and patience. I believe that this will be the last thing I write here. I think my time here is at an end. This is no place for one such as myself. I possibly, if I had really thought about it, come to this conclusion before I even started. But what can we do but learn from our mistakes? Please, stay in touch, my friends. I will with you. Thanks for messing with my account. Changing the password was really nice of you. I have got it reset - all you've done is annoy me. Deleting my emails was nothing - you left evidence. My ISP are investigating and have a log of the IP - you'll be hearing from my lawyer. Welcome to the harassment club - you've just earned yourself a lawsuit. FlowerGirl - How am I supposed to contact you if you do not allow contact? I'm at a loss here - I usually just hunt down people's answers but I would prefer to just email them as our paths cross and keep it that way than having a million and one transient cases to deal with. I would love more than anything to help you and I believe that you have come across the two best people, right here, to do that. You can email me through my profile. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ladies I need your advice please....I'm on my last nerve w/my boyfriend!? I've dated my boyfriend for 2 & 1/2 yrs. We've lived together for a year. He's an ex-Marine and has this ego military attitude like he is NEVER wrong about anything! Anytime I call him out on something and say that he's wrong, he will say things to use against me so that I look like the one who is wrong! For example, I work part-time from home and he goes out & works full-time. He was joking around saying how all I want is a free ride. Well joking or not, that pissed me off. So I sarcastically told him that all he wants is a maid to clean up the house for him. Then he starts naming off all the stuff he does, like cutting the grass, occasionally helping with laundry and dishes, plus working full time, paying most of the bills, etc. He will throw stuff in my face until he wins. Something small turns to a big argument. I'm sick of the game playing. Do other men do this? How do you deal with it without losing your mind? I've tried to just walk away but then I think he feels that he "won"